My blog has been inactive for months now, and for this I apologise. Unfortunately, I do not come bearing gifts …
I have always been a very intense person who has always been ‘too in-tune with my emotions’. This intensity slowly gave rise to depression. Or maybe it has always been there lurking under the surface.
Last year, things just spiraled out of control: varsity, work, relationships and it left me reeling. For a long time I was depressed but I couldn’t take the concerned faces anymore, so I just plastered on a smile to keep people happy. Trying to show people how okay I was was like sitting in quicksand – the more I worked to prove that I was okay, the farther my dark thought dragged. When I reached my lowest point, I felt that I couldn’t be saved … I slowly cut contact with those around me. Dealing with this all on my own made me feel more alone.
My thoughts are holding my voice hostage – they have lodged themselves on my chest. I can feel the pressure of words unsaid slowly choking me, and I am tired of gasping for air.
All the demons from my past were resurrected and they were determined to make my life hell! Work was a nice distraction. During the day. Nights were hell because it was just me and my thoughts. Slowly, I started to believe that I wasn’t good enough, worthy of being saved, memorable, important, enough … this has been an ongoing thing.
“Hated you for leavin’ me
You were my muse for so long
Now I’m drained creatively” – BANKS
Thank you all for leaving your footprints on my heart xX
*my final blog post*
Let your minds wander at the endless possibilities of tomorrow