My blog has been inactive for months now, and for this I apologise. Unfortunately, I do not come bearing gifts …

I have always been a very intense person who has always been ‘too in-tune with my emotions’. This intensity slowly gave rise to depression. Or maybe it has always been there lurking under the surface.

Last year, things just spiraled out of control: varsity, work, relationships and it left me reeling. For a long time I was depressed but I couldn’t take the concerned faces anymore, so I just plastered on a smile to keep people happy. Trying to show people how okay I was was like sitting in quicksand – the more I worked to prove that I was okay, the farther my dark thought dragged. When I reached my lowest point, I felt that I couldn’t be saved … I slowly cut contact with those around me. Dealing with this all on my own made me feel more alone.

My thoughts are holding my voice hostage – they have lodged themselves on my chest. I can feel the pressure of words unsaid slowly choking me, and I am tired of gasping for air.

All the demons from my past were resurrected and they were determined to make my life hell! Work was a nice distraction. During the day. Nights were hell because it was just me and my thoughts. Slowly, I started to believe that I wasn’t good enough, worthy of being saved, memorable, important, enough … this has been an ongoing thing.

banks“Hated you for leavin’ me
You were my muse for so long
Now I’m drained creatively” – BANKS

Thank you all for leaving your footprints on my heart xX
*my final blog post*

Let your minds wander at the endless possibilities of tomorrow

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2 thoughts on “To the hilt

  1. In this part of the Word Press Community, you will never be alone. We are a village and we care for each other.
    Depression. I’ve been there and still get drawn in. Depression in its myriad forms is a hard foe.
    You are in a community of WP. We will be here for you, in single or in double numbers.
    Keep posting by sharing you will help others realise they are not alone.
    All my best wishes
    Roger
    (UK)

    Like

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