I’ve been struggling to construct a clear and coherent sentence because I lost my motivation. But, she left me a few jewels and I’ve written them down before she wanders off again. 

***

I’ve been tossing and turning for what feels like a lifetime. Eventually, I give up on falling asleep and, all the thoughts that I have been trying to keep at bay slowly start to make their way to the surface of my mind. It’s 2:58 am and all I can think about are the things I have no control over.

I think back to the boy who called me ugly and undeserving of love in high school, and how much his words have haunted me.  I think back to the time my dad called me lazy because I had only washed the dishes and made up the beds. I think of the time when you said you could never really love me because I was black and how much that made me hate being black. I think of how weak I was to let you make me feel uncomfortable living in my own skin. I think of how shitty I felt when Mumm called me bossy because I asked someone to help me. I think back to the time when my ‘friend’ catfished me and she defended her actions by saying “it was all in the name of fun”. Was it also in the name of fun when you told me he died and you invited me to his funeral? I think back to when I was a child and things seemed much simpler. I think back to when I felt so alone that I considered killing myself. I think back to when I had fewer regrets and memories.

My mind’s racing with all these thoughts that have taken my happiness hostage. I check my phone again and it’s only 3:05 am. (I think back to the game Seven Minutes in Heaven and how my thoughts fight to keep me trapped in my seven minutes of hell).  Lying awake in bed, my heart feels heavy. It feels as though I should be crying, but my tears seemed to have run dry. I stare blankly at the ceiling as time slowly drags by.

It’s 3:47 am and I am still thinking of what happened in the past. Reliving these memories is futile, but I just can’t seem to distance myself from them.

I’d be so much happier if I had a fleeting memory.

***

Underneath it all I’m held captive by the hole inside
I’ve been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I’m ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight .Little do you know
I need a little more time

“Little Do You Know” by Alex & Sierra

Alex-Sierra
Alex & Sierra ‘Little Do You Know’ (Video Premiere). Image by Josepvinaixa.

Let your mind wander at the endless possibilities of tomorrow

by Christine Diampovisa

#FeatureImage 

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18 thoughts on “Oh, to possess a fleeting memory

  1. Oh, the clacking of our minds, especially in the middle of the night. The looking back at things we can’t change, I know exactly what you mean. I personally tend to obsess over hurts and wrongs because I am so thin-skinned. How I envy those people who toss their heads and go on with life without letting cruelty bother them (too much). No, there is probably nothing I can say that will relieve you of the pain. All I can say is I understand the pain, I’m there with you…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi! I’m really sorry for only replying now … you’ve phrased it so beautifully “oh, the cracking of the minds”. Having someone who understands how I feel and who sympathises with me, is more than enough 🙂 . Thank you for all the support.

      I’m really sorry for the late reply.
      Keep well *hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Christine, I’m sorry to hear of the hurtful things said and done to you though glad you’re feeling better now. I, too, have experienced cruelty… did you know that when people act out against you it is about -them-, their pain and insecurities? It’s called projecting. Often, they are jealous of you.
    If you ever want to chat – happy or low days – I am here for you my friend 🙂
    Contact @ StephanieFaith.net (don’t forget to close the spaces).
    🐻 💜 🌞 🌸 🌹 🌻 🌼 🌷 🐞

    Like

    1. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment love … this comment is too sweet. My heart is overfilled (if that’s even a word lol) with so much joy and warmth.
      Ah, I’m speechless … thank you so much for all the love and support Faith. Sending lots of peace, love and happiness your way ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dear Christine, I mean it, I’m happy and proud to be your friend. I don’t leave the house much due to my poor health, so my internet friends mean a lot to me. You can email me anytime, ok? 🙂
        Love + hugs my friend xox

        Liked by 1 person

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