I’ve been struggling to construct a clear and coherent sentence because I lost my motivation. But, she left me a few jewels and I’ve written them down before she wanders off again.
I’ve been tossing and turning for what feels like a lifetime. Eventually, I give up on falling asleep and, all the thoughts that I have been trying to keep at bay slowly start to make their way to the surface of my mind. It’s 2:58 am and all I can think about are the things I have no control over.
I think back to the boy who called me ugly and undeserving of love in high school, and how much his words have haunted me. I think back to the time my dad called me lazy because I had only washed the dishes and made up the beds. I think of the time when you said you could never really love me because I was black and how much that made me hate being black. I think of how weak I was to let you make me feel uncomfortable living in my own skin. I think of how shitty I felt when Mumm called me bossy because I asked someone to help me. I think back to the time when my ‘friend’ catfished me and she defended her actions by saying “it was all in the name of fun”. Was it also in the name of fun when you told me he died and you invited me to his funeral? I think back to when I was a child and things seemed much simpler. I think back to when I felt so alone that I considered killing myself. I think back to when I had fewer regrets and memories.
My mind’s racing with all these thoughts that have taken my happiness hostage. I check my phone again and it’s only 3:05 am. (I think back to the game Seven Minutes in Heaven and how my thoughts fight to keep me trapped in my seven minutes of hell). Lying awake in bed, my heart feels heavy. It feels as though I should be crying, but my tears seemed to have run dry. I stare blankly at the ceiling as time slowly drags by.
It’s 3:47 am and I am still thinking of what happened in the past. Reliving these memories is futile, but I just can’t seem to distance myself from them.
I’d be so much happier if I had a fleeting memory.
Underneath it all I’m held captive by the hole inside
I’ve been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I’m ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight .Little do you know
I need a little more time
“Little Do You Know” by Alex & Sierra
Let your mind wander at the endless possibilities of tomorrow
by Christine Diampovisa