Having to set an alarm for school was something I never looked forward to. That and the homework and the long hours I had to spend at school wearing my dreadful uniform … But at least I had my friends.
Imagine all those feelings, except for the having friends part. Having to be at school everyday where you get teased for being you, for existing. Where people verbally abuse you because you’re different. Walking those halls and wishing you could become invisible; where nobody sees you. But when you look like this, your dreams hardly ever come true.
People take pleasure in seeing you suffer , seeing you slowly become a shadow of yourself, breaking down what little confidence you do have to see how long it takes to make you cry. The more you try to ignore it, the more they bully you because they see you as an easy target. But when you try to defend yourself, they will push you down until you will just sit there because you’re tired of fighting.
You’re tired of living.
Talking about it is futile because you only end up breaking your parents’ hearts by letting them know that they’ve raised a failure. Your existence becomes a form of punishment, you lose your faith in humanity because people see what’s happening, but nobody does anything to stop it. Whenever someone does something nice for you, you question their motives: ‘Why would anyone treat me like a human being?’
‘Not many people want me at their parties
Tryna find my place, some place, oh I, oh I, oh I
And I drink a little more than recommended
This world ain’t exactly what my heart expected
Tryna find my way some-way, oh I, oh I, oh I’
– Free by Rudimental feat Emeli Sande’
Life itself, is already tough, why would you make it your mission to make someone else’s life a living hell, to belittle someone to the point that they believe they they’re worthless, undeserving of love. And whatever your motives are behind this behaviour,it could never justify the amount of pain you cause that person.Something as simple as ‘you’re weird!’ could break someone down so much that they will never be the same again.
Some people on the other hand will say ‘Nobody tells you how to live your life, you’re the master of your own destiny’ … But what happens when the only thing you can master is being a failure? Where people make it their mission to point out your flaws in an non-constructive manner, what then? You’ll believe what people tell you because you’re only human and you can only take so much. If you go to your parents for encouragement, you will see you’re the reason for their pain, for your mother’s hidden tears.
I know it would break my heart if my mom cried about the way other children treated me. It would crush me more than the bullies who would sometimes get violent with me and literally try to crush me. If protecting my family meant keeping this secret to myself, then that’s exactly what I would do.
But everything eventually ends …
‘Yeah, whoa, c’est la vie
Maybe something’s wrong with me
But, hey, at least I am free, oh, oh, I am free’
– Free by Emeli Sande’ feat Rudimental
Let your minds wander at the possibilities of tomorrow.